Sleeplessly Peaceful

I can cope with most things about my disability. Pain can be unrelenting during the day and I can find things to distract me but when pain overtakes my body in the early hours of the morning (2am in this instance), it’s just plain hard.

Tossing and turning makes my legs hurt even more and I am aware I am disturbing my husband and that makes me feel anxious. He needs his sleep. He does so much for me during the day that I feel it’s unfair to disturb him at night.

So, I make my way downstairs. Sounds easy but I have to navigate down the hall to the staircase with my crutches, get the stairlift to come up the stairs from its parking bay downstairs, climb on it and then struggle to the kitchen to make a much needed cuppa & take an extra pain killer.

The thought of this process often makes me just lie in bed in pain on bad nights, rather than going to all this effort but other nights the pain wins. I have to break the cycle & get up and move.

It’s now 3.30am & I can feel the extra pain killer starting to work & the warm drink bringing a feeling of comfort….thank goodness. I know I am going to be a cot case tomorrow. Actually a bad night like this has consequences that carry over a number of days. A harsh reality of living with a chronic disease.

I always want to find a reason for having a rough night.

I must have done too much.

I haven’t rested enough.

A whole list runs through my head finding reasons to blame myself for soaring pain levels & the consequences that follow.

In the stillness of my lounge room with the clock ticking for company & otherwise silence surrounding me, I eventually settle my thoughts & remind myself that I haven’t done anything to cause this disease to attack my body. I have spent my days balancing rest & activity.

I am managing this the best way I can. This is not my fault!

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Sleepless nights will happen from time to time & accepting that, not fighting them, helps me relax and find that place of peace. With a settled mind and a peaceful heart, pain will eventually subside enough to allow that place of slumber to return. With that thought I’m off to bed to try again 😴

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