Every morning I wake up thinking, “Today will be a better day”
Everyday, for more years than I care to count, I finish the day feeling battle weary.
Every night I close my eyes to sleep, clinging to the hope that sleep will be renewing and I will wake up feeling refreshed.
Every night I say to myself, “Maybe tomorrow will be better”.
Every once in a while, not often, I allow myself to fall in a heap and cry and exclaim;
“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t take the pain. I can’t take my body constantly attacking me, beating me, crippling me, attempting to break me”
It’s Just Plain Exhausting
I am so tired. The rollercoaster of surgeries, disease flares, constant fevers and flu like symptoms everyday, broken legs, toxic medication and little evidence of any signs of improvement, or even any hope of improvement, is just plain exhausting.
My situation exhausts my medical team too. They want to fix it. It’s what they do, it’s why they became Doctors. When they come across someone in my situation it breaks them as much as it breaks me.
I think I admire and respect them for that more than anything else they have done for me.
I often think during my daily rest periods, “It’s got to get better, hasn’t it?”
I allow myself to look back on my active days. I enjoy recalling those days, although the stark difference to how I am today can sometimes cause the tears to flow.
Hope For The Future
Some days I dare to dream and think about what life would be like with healed legs. I dream of my Bone Disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Gastroparesis and all their friends being under control or a distant memory.
I wriggle a little to try and get comfortable and reality hits.
I soon cease dreaming.
My ever present pain causes me to think of what the future holds as my disease and disabilities progress. What further changes might be needed in terms of day to day living. I worry about what will happen to me if anything happens to my husband.
Hope Returns – No Matter What The Future Holds
That thought actually makes me count my blessings. Right here, right now, we have each other. We have high level plans in place to deal with my care should I worsen.
My faith in God assures me that “He will never leave me or forsake me” (Deuteronomy 31:6)
With that thought, I begin to dwell on all the things I can still do, in the here and now, with the wonderful support I have from a caring and loving husband.
I hear a still small voice saying;
“Maybe tomorrow will be better”
If you’re looking for genuine support, care, understanding & friendship, you are so welcome to join my closed Facebook support forum, Medical Musings with Friends . It’s a safe place to connect with others living with chronic & complex diseases, who truly understand the daily challenges. A warm welcome awaits.
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