How Can I Do That ?

When we have chronic illness, our minds are quickly programmed to think about all the things we can no longer do.

Doctors, allied health professionals, family and friends, can easily feed us messages which concur with our “I can’t do that” mindset.

Don’t get me wrong, there is lots we can’t do when living with a chronic disease. My list sometimes seems endless and can cause me to feel as if my disease is in total control.

Is it though? Or am I at risk of allowing it to take over more than it should?

I ask myself this question constantly. I don’t want to be a prisoner to my disease. I want to scale whatever heights I can safely push, and ultimately I’m the only one who can decide my limits.

Your Voice Sounds So Well

I answered the phone the other day in my normal cheery phone voice. To the caller I sounded well and upbeat.

The image in person told a very different story.

I was in agony and so exhauated as I had been out early for fasting blood tests. The effort needed to get me out early is nothing short of a Gold medal, Olympic marathon performance. It pushes all my boundaries.

Anyone who knows me well, knows I will always present a “professional” image on the phone, no matter the circumstances I find myself in. I’ve been trained to do that in my corporate and church life. I also always try to dress well, at least in a smart casual sense, every day.

It just wouldn’t be me not to do so.

Chronic Illness was never going to change my love of fashion, makeup and making the best of what I have.

Should I sound “sick” on the phone? If I have the flu or laryngitis yes. I have severe pain and fatigue and some times I do lose my voice as a result, but generally I can talk. Why would I want to sound terrible if I’m able to sound otherwise?

The caller the other day was someone I know and love. They were relieved I “sounded” well, so their comment of “Your voice sounds so well”, came from a place of love and concern in regards to me being chronically ill.

It still caused a reaction in me as I heard myself respond, “Well it’s not my voice that’s the problem”

So why did I respond that way?

I felt like I wasn’t allowed to sound ok. I felt like I was supposed to portray some kind of “sick” or “pained” sound in order for the other person to understand my pain.

Now that’s clearly my issue, not the callers. I should feel free to sound bright and upbeat. I don’t want to sound miserable because I’m not.

What I can do is use these opportunities to educate people what it’s like to live with chronic illness.

My husband on this occasion did it for me. As he spoke to the caller he said, “Sam has a professional phone voice no matter what, but it doesn’t mean she’s ok”. Bless him!!

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How Can I Do That?

Do you find yourself saying, “I can’t do that”.

You’re probably right but have you looked at the situation before you and asked a different question?

Have you asked, “How can I do that?”

I drive my husband mad, as I’m constantly looking at things around the home and trying to find ways to clean.

His love and concern about my health, wants him to wrap me up in cotton wool. Even one of my Orthopaedic Surgeons has said in the past, he would sleep better at night if I was wearing a cotton wool suit.

While I do have to be extremely careful, I have learned how to move and support my body in a safe way. I can feel if I am doing something to aggravate my disease.

I also know some things I do will increase pain but not cause damage. There is a difference and it’s not an easy one for an onlooker to identify. Only I know the difference.

Pain is a constant for me. If I didn’t do anything because of pain, I literally wouldn’t even attempt to get out of bed.

So my question, “How can I do that?”, is a very valid and appropriate one.

It causes me to pause, think and plan my approach, before I attempt to execute an eventual well thought out strategy.

Once that strategy is formed, I’m safe to try. If I feel I’m pushing too hard or too far, it’s ok to retreat. At least I gave it a go.

The Moral Of The Story

I recently did something most people would think I was incapable of doing with my disease.

I cleaned some windows!

I had my well thought out plan. I had all my tools at hand and I very carefully went about undertaking the task.

I also made sure my husband was at the shops, so I didn’t have to hear him painfully groaning at me and giving me messages of “you can’t do that”!

The worst thing that happened was I banged my head but I was ok.

Was I sore? Yes.

Was I pleased with myself? Yes. I could see out my lounge windows into our garden and see the flowering hibiscus, roses and mandivilla in full bloom, through crystal clear glass.

Of course, we had a thunderstorm that afternoon so the crystal clear view wasn’t going to last, but it did for a little while and I enjoyed it every day.

My husband came home to a very excited wife and thankfully he was both proud and pleased at my determination, with a little concern mixed in….but we’ll just call that love for now.

So, back to the moral of my story. We can so often give ourselves the message, “I can’t do that”, because others have told us we can’t.

Or perhaps we are afraid people won’t believe how sick we are if they see us trying to do things.

I think that is perhaps the sadddest reason for us not to ask the question, “How can I do that?”

If we allow others preconceived ideas of chronic illness, to stop us from attempting to do things we feel we are capable of doing, (despite the painful consequences), we are allowing them to take life away from us.

We have a right to live, a right to test our limits, to achieve, to sound bright and bubbly if we want to.

We have a right to choose to take off the cotton wool suit from time to time and test the waters.

Yes we need to be careful, we need to follow our medical teams advice and listen to our loved ones concerns.

We don’t need to constantly tell ourselves, “I can’t do that”.

It’s ok to ask, “How can I do that?”

Take care

Sam xx

Ezra 19 v 4
Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.”

If you’re looking for genuine support, care, understanding and friendship, you are so welcome to join my closed Facebook support forum Medical Musings with Friends. It’s a safe place to connect with others living with chronic and complex diseases, who truly understand the daily challenges. A warm welcome awaits.

I’m a Contributor at “The Mighty”. You can check out my published articles at My Author Page

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7 thoughts on “How Can I Do That ?

  1. I have pondered some of these same things. Actually at first, my husband discouraged me about being unrest when i wasn’t. Let them see your pain. But after a while i just couldn’t keep doing that. I want to put my best for forward and not be a “belly acher”.
    So then i kept things to myself. But i think my husband may have been right. The parish saw me as improving and then expected Him to be back to his old self as a pastor even though he was carrying the brunt of my pain and they were seeing me at my very best.

    My answer when asked now is usually “doing ok” with maybe one qualification about my most recent issue.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I so agree Mandy. I think we can put our best foot/face forward while still explaining and educating others about the reality of our situation. In my case explaining I still have broken bones and extreme pain usually does it but the fact I need to use a walker to move outside of the home, helps paint the reality of my situation for others too xx

      Like

  2. When people ask how I can do things, I say the same thing. Sheryl makes me. How can you mow the grass int he rain? Sheryl made me. How can you go on vacation walking like that? Sheryl made me. She is an endless fountain of blame. Just remember, Sheryl made me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve often wondered of the limits placed on us by ourselves and others, and the fine line between accepting and resting, versus trying and doing and pushing. It’s a hard balance to get right but I do think we owe it to ourselves to take the risk every now and then. “We have a right to live, a right to test our limits, to achieve, to sound bright and bubbly if we want to” < you've said it better than me, but I totally agree.

    Well done on those windows! I'm glad hubby was able to take over the phone and let them know the reality because it's the sort of thing that can frustrate me, too. I look "fine" a lot of the time when I'm dressed and outside the house, that's the nature of "invisible illness" that you can't see how you're feeling. And I'm likewise professional on the phone (okay, I've been called 'posh' on the phone!) and if I'm asked "how're you?" then I'll always say "I'm fine". It's when something associates a voice, an appearance and politeness with being happy and healthy and well that it becomes frustrating because there's a part of us that wants others to know that's not the case. Anyway, ramble ramble.. Another great post, Sam!

    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Caz. Agree with absolutely everything you’ve said. Lol…I’ve even been told I sound posh too 🙄
      You never ramble…always eloquent and so supportive. Thank you xx

      Liked by 1 person

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