How Can I Do That?

When we have chronic illness, our minds are quickly programmed to think about all the things we can no longer do.

Doctors, allied health professionals, family and friends, can easily feed us messages which concur with our “I can’t do it” mindset.

Don’t get me wrong, there is lots we can’t do when living with a chronic disease. My list sometimes seems endless and can cause me to feel as if my disease is in total control.

Is it though? Or am I at risk of allowing it to take over more than it should?

I ask myself this question constantly.

I don’t want to be a prisoner to my disease. I want to scale whatever heights I can safely push, and ultimately I’m the only one who can decide my limits.

Your Voice Sounds So Well

I answered the phone the other day in my normal cheery phone voice. To the caller I sounded well and upbeat.

Seeing me in person told a very different story.

I was in agony and so exhausted as I had been out early for fasting blood tests. The effort needed to get me out early is nothing short of a Gold medal, Olympic marathon performance. It pushes all my boundaries.

Anyone who knows me well, knows I will always present a “professional” image on the phone, no matter the circumstances I find myself in.

I’ve been trained to do this in my corporate and church life. I also always try to dress well, at least in a smart casual sense, every day.

It just wouldn’t be me not to do so.

Chronic Illness was never going to change my love of fashion, makeup and making the best of what I have.

Should I sound “sick” on the phone? If I have the flu or laryngitis yes. I have severe pain and fatigue and some times I do lose my voice as a result, but generally I can talk. Why would I want to sound terrible if I’m able to sound otherwise?

The caller the other day was someone I know and love. They were relieved I “sounded” well, so their comment of “Your voice sounds so well”, came from a place of love and concern in regards to me being chronically ill.

It still caused a reaction in me as I heard myself respond, “Thankfully it’s not my voice with the problem”

So why did I respond that way?

I felt like I wasn’t allowed to sound ok. I felt like I was supposed to portray some kind of “sick” or “pained” sound in order for the other person to understand my pain.

Now this is clearly my issue, not the callers. I should allow myself to feel free, to sound bright and upbeat. I don’t want to sound miserable because I’m not.

What I can do is use these opportunities to educate people as to what it’s like to live with chronic illness.

My husband on this occasion did it for me. As he spoke to the caller he said, “Sam has a professional phone voice no matter what, but it unfortunately doesn’t mean she’s ok”. Bless him!!

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How Can I Do That?

Do you find yourself saying, “I can’t do that”.

You’re probably right but have you looked at the situation before you and asked a different question?

Have you asked, “How can I do that?”

I drive my husband mad, as I’m constantly looking at things around the home and trying to find ways to clean.

His love and concern about my health, wants him to wrap me up in cotton wool. Even one of my Orthopaedic Surgeons has said in the past, he would sleep better at night if I was wearing a cotton wool suit.

While I do have to be extremely careful, I have learned how to move and support my body in a safe way. I can feel if I am doing something to aggravate my disease.

I also know some things I do will increase pain but not cause damage. There is a difference and it’s not an easy one for an onlooker to identify. Only I know the difference.

Pain is a constant for me. If I didn’t do anything because of pain, I literally wouldn’t even attempt to get out of bed.

So my question, “How can I do that?”, is a very valid and appropriate one.

It causes me to pause, think and plan my approach, before I attempt to execute an eventual well thought out strategy.

Once that strategy is formed, I’m safe to try. If I feel I’m pushing too hard or too far, it’s ok to retreat. At least I gave it a go.

The Moral Of The Story

I recently did something most people would think I was incapable of doing with my disease.

I cleaned some windows!

I had my well thought out plan. I had all my tools at hand and I very carefully went about undertaking the task.

I also made sure my husband was at the shops, so I didn’t have to hear him painfully groaning at me and giving me messages of “you can’t do that”!

The worst thing that happened was I banged my head but I was ok.

Was I sore? Yes.

Was I pleased with myself? Yes.

I could see out my lounge windows into our garden and see the flowering Hibiscus, Roses, Crepe Myrtle and Bougainvillea in full bloom, through crystal clear glass.

Of course, we had a series of thunderstorms in the following days, so the crystal clear view wasn’t going to last, but it did for a little while and I enjoyed it every day.

My husband came home to a very excited wife and thankfully he was both proud and pleased at my determination, with a little concern mixed in….but we’ll just call that “love” for now.

So, back to the moral of my story. We can so often give ourselves the message, “I can’t do that”, because others have told us we can’t.

Or perhaps we are afraid people won’t believe how sick we are, or how much pain we are in, if they see us trying to do things.

I think this is perhaps the sadddest reason for us not to ask the question, “How can I do that?”

If we allow others preconceived ideas of chronic illness, to stop us from attempting to do things we feel we are capable of doing, (despite the painful consequences), we are allowing them to take life away from us.

We have a right to live, a right to test our limits, to achieve, to sound bright and bubbly if we can.

We have a right to choose to take off the cotton wool suit from time to time and test the waters.

Yes we need to be careful, we need to follow our medical teams advice and listen to our loved ones concerns.

However, we don’t need to constantly tell ourselves, “I can’t do that”.

It’s ok to ask ourselves, “How can I do that?”

Take care

Sam xx

Ezra 19 v 4Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.”

If you’re looking for genuine support, care, understanding and friendship, you are so welcome to join my closed Facebook support forumMedical Musings with Friends . It’s a safe place to connect with others living with chronic and complex diseases, who truly understand the daily challenges. A warm welcome awaits.

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Australian Aspire Awards 2020 Nominee – Awarded Medal of Recognition for Individual Best Achievement Community Advocacy.
Thank you to Arthritis Queensland for the nomination!

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8 thoughts on “How Can I Do That?

  1. Change “sound” to “look” and you captured my life in a nutshell. How many times have I heard that when I’m feeling my worst. Usually, I smile and say thanks because I know they love me, and they aren’t going to change no matter how many times I try to explain. Great words, Sam!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sam, thanks for sharing this. I appreciate your husband’s words that you can sound great even when in some anguish. I also love the achievement of tasks and daily goals and celebration of such. Best regards and thanks for being a truthteller and inspiration. Keith

    Like

  3. Another spot on post, Sam. And well done on the windows, that’s no small feat! I also get the phone voice thing, though I also often ‘look well’. I do have quite a professional phone voice and I’ll always come across as well put together, calm and cheery on the other end of a call. We of course know that it means absolutely nothing about how we’re really feeling or the pain our bodies are in. Well said, Sam. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Caz. Yes, I look well too when seeing people as I still like to dress nicely and do my hair and makeup. I think it’s important to just be us, despite our diseases though xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sam, your post is fantastic. I can’t muster up the thought to clean my windows lol, but I do like to bake despite my pain. It’s one of those things I do knowing full well that I will be in terrible pain afterwards, but I do it anyway. It’s quite funny actually, I said to my husband the other day that I was going to make a cake and then some biscuits. He gave me that look. You know, the same look that Peter probably gives you 😂 He said, “Liz, one or the other. Not both. You know what will happen.” I sighed and got started, made a cake and there was no way I could have also made biscuits lol. Why does he have to be right all the time?

    But, yes, I totally agree, we need to still do the things we enjoy doing. We can’t just say no to everything all the time.

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  5. Thanks so much Elizabeth. Lol…yes our husbands know us too well. I’m glad you made a cake though. Good on you. Hope you enjoyed every mouthful with a well deserved cuppa xx

    Liked by 1 person

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