One Step, Two Steps…..Will There Be A Third?

Some dates are forever etched in our memories.

I have a few but one is a day I will never forget

October 6th 2014.

It was the day my femur broke.  

It was a life changing day. A day that would start me on a journey with a rare bone disease, so rare that even Specialists would stand and scratch their heads at the craziness of it.

None of my medical team know what it is, why I have it, what caused it and none of us anticipated the aggressiveness of it.

Genetic testing even failed to find a bone disease gene. The Geneticist was devastated as it empathised to him how many gaps still exist in genetics. We now know my issue is a rare mutant gene, one of it’s own kind. Unique to me!

To investigate further, would be like finding a needle in a haystack and, would financially ruin us to try and look for it.

I now have a second date forever etched in my memory.

September 6th 2021.

It was the day I could no longer walk, sit or stand. The day my disability and disease changed my life course, in an unexpected way.

The Facts….This Is What We Do Know

All we know is my bones continue to get denser and my bone turnover is negligible. This combination causes major bones, like my femurs, to snap in two as if I’d been in a major car crash. It causes my feet to fracture while doing nothing more than wiggling my toes in bed or walking from the kitchen to the lounge room.

Last count I have 7 foot fractures which try to heal and re-break constantly.

My spine is now affected with severe spinal lateral and central canal stenosis, compressing clumps of nerves. An MRI also shows a sacral fracture. My left side from my lumbar to my toes has crippled me in a way we never expected.

My lumbar spine is deemed severely unstable and non operable due to high risk of serious complications.

Other bones throughout my body throb with severe pain and cause functional disability.  I can’t keep having scans on every new threatening fracture or damage, so we wait until something severely breaks, or the pain from a new area significantly impacts quality of life further.

Still Broken

Seven years on and my left femur is still not fully healed. It is officially diagnosed as “non-union”. The bone disease will continue to prevent it from healing completely. It prevents all my breaks from healing and has caused spinal surgery, on the right side of my lumbar, to fail within 3 months.

This crazy disease has caused attempted bone graft surgeries, to try and fuse my femur break, to simply dissolve and disappear without radiographic trace.

I’m used to my non-union femur. I know its pain, its restrictions, its abilities. It’s familiar. It’s become a part of me.

I’m the same with my foot fractures. They are familiar. I expect them. I know how to deal with them and I basically ignore them. If one becomes displaced I know to seek treatment but if they stay aligned, all is good. No one can do anything so there’s no point worrying.

My unstable spine is a whole other issue. It’s not one I can easily deal with. It is raw, untreatable and cruel. I have a long road ahead of me.

It’s literally a case of one step, two steps and wondering if there will ever be a third.

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Healing Comes In Many Forms

When we think of healing, generally we think of getting better. We expect a person no longer has their disease. They are cured or at the very least in remission.

Healing can absolutely come in this form and it’s something to be celebrated when it does.

What about diseases with no cure, no treatment and are progressive? As a Christian I believe God can heal anyone, any disease and does completely heal some people of all kinds of diseases.

Why some and not others? I really don’t have the answer to this question.

I do think healing can come in surprise packages. We sometimes miss out on seeing a miracle because we have an assumption as to what the miracle should look like.

Let me explain what I mean….hopefully I’ll make sense.

Prayers for my healing from around the globe are so appreciated. I’m not physically healed yet and I don’t think I’m going to be. I do however believe I have been given a very special gift of healing.

The ability or gift to accept my circumstances is healing. I’m not generally weighed down by them. I’m happy, content and excited about the purpose I have in my life, despite my extremely limited physical abilities.

A Perfect Peacefulness

I have a peace allowing me freedom from anxiety. It doesn’t mean I don’t worry about things from time to time but I don’t get distressed or suffer depression. I’d describe any worries I have as cautious concerns. They are healthy and necessary in order to make balanced life decisions.

To me this is the greatest gift of healing given my disease. Stress and anxiety worsen pain. My body screams with pain 24 hours a day. If I wasn’t able to be at peace with my condition and remain free from unnecessary anxiety, I honestly would be in major trouble.

I absolutely thank God for giving me a “peace that passes all understanding”

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”

Philippians 4:7 ESV

If you’re feeling a little swamped by your life circumstances, your chronic illness and disabilities, take some time to pause and ponder two questions.

  • Are you expecting complete healing?
  • Are you so focused on being perfectly well you are at risk of missing out on the gift of healing in an unexpected way?

My disease has allowed me to connect with so many people from around the world, through my blog, my support forum, writing opportunities and online volunteering for health organisations.

I love having time to write and perusue this life long passion.

It’s allowed me to spend quality time with my husband who I absolutely adore.

Sure, it’s taken things from my life but even when we are healthy, life can take us in directions requiring enormous sacrifices and loss.

Becoming Abled

If we can stop looking at our disease as “unfair” and “cruel” and stop thinking “why me”, our outlook can change.

“Why me” can become “why not me”. Sickness is a part of life. Accepting it as your new reality, can help change your disabled world into an abled world.

Peace is the opposite of war. If we stop fighting against ourselves by accepting our new life, warts and all, peace can be invited into our lives.

When peace comes an unexpected healing comes and it’s an amazing gift.

The pain remains but our focus shifts. This is the key.

We suddenly stop focusing on our diagnosis, treatments, cures, answers and we start focusing on enjoyable life activities we are capable of.

Pain and disability become a part of our life, rather than the whole of our lives.

My latest debilitating health crisis has been one of my biggest challenges yet. It’s not over by a long shot. If I dwell on my pain, my body, what I can’t do, I end up in a spiral of pain, fear, disappointment and a list of “what if’s”. None of this assists with focusing my thoughts and accepting my circumstances.

When I remind myself to breath, calm down and focus on what I can do, rather than on what I can’t do, my gift of healing returns. My confidence builds, my hope finds its anchor and I feel sure I will adjust to my newly found circumstances.

This very tangible gift of healing is a gift I pray you will also receive.

Take care

Sam xx

If you’re looking for genuine support, care, understanding and friendship, you are so welcome to join my closed Facebook support forumMedical Musings with Friends . It’s a safe place to connect with others living with chronic and complex diseases, who truly understand the daily challenges. A warm welcome awaits.

If you would like an audible version of my blog, please check out my Podcast, Medical Musings With Sam

I’m a Contributor at “The Mighty”. You can check out my published articles at My Author Page

I also write @ Blogs by Christian Women

I’m a member of  the Chronic Illness Bloggers Network  the  Grace Girls Facebook Group and the Salt and Light Linkup Group

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Australian Aspire Awards 2020 Nominee – Awarded Medal of Recognition for Individual Best Achievement Community Advocacy.
Thank you to Arthritis Queensland for the nomination!

Healthcare Collaborator Nominee 2020
Best in Show: Community Nominee 2020

4 thoughts on “One Step, Two Steps…..Will There Be A Third?

  1. Thank you dear Sam. Your words mean a great deal to me on my journey, and I give thanks for your sharing and your caring heart. Prayers continue!💞🙏🏻💐

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Excellent thoughts. Expresses what I’ve learned throughout my 40 years of limitations. Different and less disabling and painful than your but still too limited for ordinary life. I’ve often asked the question: “What is harder for God? To heal? Or to enable one to live successfully despite pain and disabilities?” Thanks for sharing and may God enable you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sam, I do not know why God, has allowed me to suffer like this. But I take great comfort in Job. I find that when Job the humble servant of God addressed God, he did so in earnest, and more than that God did not reject him. At the moment when Job asked why, God did not give a clear answer, nor did he reject Job. If anything God loved Job more and Job loved God more. I will always love God and God me. No matter. I need now know why exactly.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What you’re going through is certainly a tremendous challenge and a half. I’ve always admired your attitude, and it shines through all the more now.

    I have been so overwhelmed with stuff to do lately, so stressed out and wound up that time is flying by without me and I’ve long since gone past breaking point. I’ve not been able to slow down and yet I think that’s perhaps where we need to force ourselves to, because otherwise it’s a vicious cycle. There’s always something else to do or some new thing to worry about. What I am grateful for is that I’ve never thought “why me” or felt sorry for myself for dealing with what I do. I tend to think simply of how much worse others can have it than I do, which isn’t always that helpful either admittedly, but I’m more aware of how important that balance is.

    Appreciating what you live with and coming to a form of acceptance – whatever that looks like as it’s an individual journey – is not easy. But fighting it or spending your time angry or resentful or regretful will only make the hardest of days even harder still.

    You’re in my thoughts, my dear friend. Keep being awesome and say hey to Peter for us! 🙂

    Caz xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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