My beautiful Dad passed away 18 months ago.
The initial weeks after his passing saw me encompassed in raw grief. The kind of grief constantly creeping up on you, and opening the flood gate of tears, when you least expect it.
The kind of grief where you grapple to make sense of it all. When you are really grieving for yourself, as the person you loved so much is no longer available!
Memories flood in left, right and centre. Good memories and not so good ones. Relationships, no matter how loving, always have their moments. Grief causes us to feel we have missed moments. We feel we could have, should have, said more to our loved one while they were still alive. The missed opportunities can feel overwhelming.
Good Grief
Then something changes. Grief begins to settle. It doesn’t go away but it’s not as raw. It’s not as erratic. It becomes almost a comforting companion.
It starts to be “Good Grief”.
I’ve written many times about the Stages of Grief and I have my own favourite….the 5 Gs of Change.
The 5 G’s of Change
Griping – this stage is when you feel like you just can’t face it. It’s all too much. It’s chaotic, it’s stressful. It’s all about you.
Groaning– this stage is the complaining stage. You want to let everyone know how difficult life is in your world.
Groping – during this stage you begin to walk forward as if in a forest, moving the trees out of your way so you begin to see a little clearer
Grasping – You begin to understand what the new situation means
Growing – You begin to embrace the new. You look for ways to live again.
My Dad had been sick for many years, so my grief process started well before his passing. In some regards having time to prepare was helpful, as it allowed me to travel through the early stages of grief a little faster than average. I would have preferred he hadn’t suffered for so long though. Regrets are a huge part of grief.
The Grasping and Growing stages are when “Good Grief” begins to evolve.
It’s when the rawness of loss starts to dissipate. You can begin to remember your loved one calmly and even smile or laugh, without crying, as you let your mind linger on happy memories.
You are definitely still grieving but in a good way. You can breathe again. The overwhelming, suffocating cloud of grief lifts, replaced by love and appreciation of the time you had together with your loved one.
Chronic Illness and Good Grief
What about the grieving process in relation to chronic illness?
Can it possibly have a “Good Grief ” stage?
I think it can. Once we have gone through the rawness of our diagnosis, the associated life losses, the shock, the anger, the fear, we can move to the “Good Grief” stage.
You may have arrived at “Good Grief” without realising it.
As you research your disease, make positive changes to your life to accommodate it, find new hobbies or career paths, or perhaps settle into a life of medical retirement, you are in the midst of “Good Grief”.
You will often feel the sorrow of what chronic illness has taken. It’s hard not to be reminded daily. Grief may even cycle through the stages, especially if your disease is progressive. Even still, it’s important after each setback to clamour our way back to “Good Grief”.
It’s about taking our pain and sorrow and doing something good with it.
It might be patient advocacy work or writing your story in a blog to reach out to others.
It may be as simple as having more empathy for neighbours , friends, family and colleagues who are unwell and reaching out to them to offer a hand of understanding.
It might be volunteering to be part of a research program associated with your disease.
It might be taking up a hobby you always wanted to do but never had time.
All of these are examples of “Good Grief”.
Don’t Be Scared
Don’t be scared to grieve. Don’t be scared to feel the rawness, the fear, the pain and the loss.
We need to journey through these stages to arrive at “Good Grief”.
“Good Grief” offers hope of better days. Functional days with renewed purpose.
Chronic Illness is a part of your life, not all of your life.
As much as I love my Dad and always will, I’ve realised he is also a part of my life, not all of my life. I need to move forward without him, as hard as it is. I need to be grateful for the relationship we enjoyed throughout the years. I have those memories to hold onto always. My own precious memories of my beautiful Dad belong to me. They fill my “Good Grief” phase.
The 6 G’s of Change
I think I need to add a 6th stage to my Grief model…..so introducing the 6 G’s of Change.
Griping – this stage is when you feel like you just can’t face it. It’s all too much. It’s chaotic, it’s stressful. It’s all about you.
Groaning– this stage is the complaining stage. You want to let everyone know how difficult life is in your world.
Groping – during this stage you begin to walk forward as if in a forest, moving the trees out of your way so you begin to see a little clearer.
Grasping – You begin to understand what the new situation means.
Growing – You begin to embrace the new, and look for ways to live again.
Good Grief – This final stage offers hope of better days. Functional days arrive with renewed purpose. Acceptance brings peace.
The Second Birthday Is Here!
This weekend is my Dad’s birthday, the second one without him. I always loved choosing the perfect birthday card, and planning in advance what to buy him so I could post it to him in time for his special day.
Chatting on the phone was the highlight. Hearing his voice was always special to me. It didn’t matter if we weren’t in the same room, as health issues for us both made travelling impossible. Just talking to him was enough. It was like coming home.
I love my final time with him was on the phone, chatting and laughing, and our final words to each other were, “I love you, I love you too”.
I miss him so much. I just want to hear his voice and tell him everything that’s been happening in my life. He always loved to know every detail and when he was talking to you, he made you feel you were the most important person in the world. I’m not sure these occasions will ever get easier but I’m grateful they serve as a reminder to stop and remember his life and our life together. That’s “Good Grief” to me.
If you are journeying through the phases of grief, I hope and pray, when the time is right for you, “Good Grief” will arrive.
With love,
Sam xx
Medical Musings with Friends
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