How Do You Deal With A Major Coping Strategy Being Ripped Away?

For two years, before medically retiring, I was still holding out hope of being able to return to work eventually, despite being on Income Protection and battling one health hurdle after the other.

The realist in me knew I was facing a very different life, as I began to lose my ability to walk any distance and my list of disabling symptoms continued to grow.

I had never suffered from depression and I didn’t feel depressed as I thought about my future, but I was wondering if I was approaching my situation the right way.

As a Leader/Manager, I had attended numerous counselling and coaching courses over the years. I also received counselling training through my church work. Counselling and coaching others was what I did, and in the professional world, change management was my speciality.

Am I Doing Ok?

Despite having the skills to deal with the massive life change I was facing, I remember sitting in my lounge room one afternoon and just allowing the tears to fall. I wondered if I would cope, if I was coping, or if I was in denial. I wondered how could I still do things I enjoyed when my body refused to move.

As I worked through the grief, I was constantly looking at my life and my “Loves and Losses” and wondering how I could replace them.

As part of the Income Protection policy, I discovered that I had access to free phone counselling sessions. I had never had counselling in my life, not in a formal sense. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the idea, but I decided nothing ventured, nothing gained. I really wanted to make sure I was dealing with everything as best I could. My mental health was as important as my physical health, so I booked an appointment online for a teleconsult the following day.

I had no idea how important the phone session would be but not for the reasons you might imagine.

A Leap Of Faith

I spent the next morning making some notes prior to the counselling call, which was booked for mid afternoon.

I wanted to make sure I succinctly told my story to the counsellor, including my work history, my health history and the way I was currently approaching my unknown future.

I wanted to make sure I included all my concerns so I was being honest about my feelings during the session.

I literally had nothing to lose. I was taking a huge leap of faith hoping I would come out of this session full of helpful tips and a huge action plan, to be super equipped to deal with my future.

The phone rang. I looked at it for a few seconds, wondering how this would all play out. My stomach did a little flip as I pushed the talk button and answered the call with my normal upbeat “Sam Moss” greeting.

A lovely guy introduced himself and simply said, “How can I help you today?”

Exactly how I always started a counselling session, and I immediately felt he would give me the time I needed to share my story and my concerns.

Being prepared with my talking points allowed me to give him a good overview of my situation without rambling.

I finished my spiel and waited with bated breath for his response.

I expected to be given a list of ideas to take on board to help me cope better. I had my pen and paper ready to write them down like an eager student wanting an A+.

What I got was not what I expected.

Can I Use Your Ideas?

My counsellor simply said , ” Sam, you’ve been through so much but you are coping so well. I’m so inspired by your story, by you and by your coping techniques. I know I wouldn’t be coping at all. Can I borrow your strategies?

We both laughed but he was deadly serious. I was so surprised. I felt like I’d been treading water for months and had been so unsure of my decisions and approach to my situation.

Apparently I was completely on the right track. I was grieving my losses. I was talking to family and friends openly about my situation. I remained in touch with my work team. I was putting plans in place for my future financially. I was using pain management distraction therapy techniques. I was ensuring I took time to do things every day that made me happy.

However, I did take one thing away from that session 10 years ago. One thing that would become even more important year after year.

It’s still the one thing that today gives me a sense of physical freedom when I can barely move.

My New Legs

My counsellor picked up on my major concern. At the time of the session 10 years ago, I was already requiring a cane to walk. I didn’t realise at this point that both my femurs would break, my spine would collapse, and my feet would constantly fracture and not heal. I didn’t realise I would be paralysed and bedridden for 12 weeks and was at high risk of this happening again and again. I didn’t realise I would be confined to using a walker inside and a wheelchair outside.

My counsellor listened to my concerns of not being able to go on much loved bush walks or walks around the neighbourhood with my husband.

His advice changed my world….“Sam, let the car be your legs”

As simple as that but somehow his words gave me hope. Of course I knew I could use the car but to visualise the car as my legs gave me a sense of freedom, speed, a world of options and a way to set new goals.

I’m generally the navigator for our car adventures, courtesy of Google maps.

It instantly turned me from being disabled to abled.

So Many Driving Options…So Many Possible Adventures!

We currently live in a semi rural area, so the scenery is beautiful, and every drive fills me with joy.

I notice everything every time my husband takes me for a drive. The late autumn leaves hanging on to the branches and bringing such beautiful colours to the landscape fill me with so much joy.

The sheep, cows, horses, ducks, geese and goats scattered throughout hobby farms make me feel like I’m visiting a wildlife sanctuary. The kookaburras, parrots, magpies, swallows, honeyeaters, robins, iris, hawks all fly by the car.

Being a passenger in the car gives me extra freedom to take in my surroundings and be enveloped by their beauty.

On a recent drive, we were even greeted by a kangaroo trying to cross the road in front of us. We, of course, gave him the right of way!

I was reminded at this moment of my counsellors advice all those years ago.

How thankful I was I made that appointment. I expected a deep counselling session and to be told I wasn’t handling anything in an enabling way. Instead I was encouraged to continue with all my coping strategies and to simply visualise the car as my legs.

My “virtual legs” are also a picnic table, as we park in beautiful places to look upon amazing views, all while enjoying lunch in the comfort of our car seats.

We enjoy looking at homes and gardens driving around local suburbs.

We even have fun going on automatic car wash dates! It’s just something different to do and I love the green gloop.

My husband is my chauffeur, my car date, my picnic butler, my tour guide, and my best friend on our car trips.

Our conversations in our car trips are wide and varied.

Our car dates are full of love, joy, and showcase a partnership determined to keep me moving.

Our immediate focus and ongoing strategy, formed 14 years ago from a simple phone counselling session, has served us so well…… “let the car be my legs”….. is simply our lifeline.

So What Happens When That Lifeline is Ripped Away?

My husband’s recent diagnosis of Alzheimers disease has ripped our world apart. To deny that would be the wrong path to take if we want to arrive at a place of acceptance and coping.

So far, so good, or we thought we were doing well until we had to face the one thing we both knew we wanted to ignore.

My husband is 81, and in Australia, the government requires all drivers over the age of 75 to have a basic GP medical check and be issued with a “fit to drive” medical certificate from their GP. This can be unconditional or conditional, depending on the medical diagnosis.

Up until this year, all has been straightforward. However Alzheimers disease changes everything.

Firstly, it’s a reportable medical condition, and secondly, many doctors have a policy of not approving anyone as “fit to drive” with this diagnosis.

It’s important to note that this is not the view of the Alzheimers Associations or the Department of Transport.

A full assessment is necessary, reporting the disease diagnosis necessary, and having a conditional medical certificate is necessary.

So when my husband’s current GP refused to even complete a medical certificate this week, we were both devastated and really unsure of what to do.

One of the key things with managing Alzheimers is not to take independence away from the person unnecessarily or prematurely. Driving is one of those key activities. My husband is still a good and competent driver as it’s part of his long-term memory. We recognise he may need some conditions, and we recognise he may need to cease driving in the next few years. But not just yet.

A New Strategy Required

Well, if you know me, you’ll know I was not giving up easily. The distress this was causing my husband was making his Alzheimers symptoms worse, and while I’m generally calm, it wasn’t doing much for my anxiety levels either.

I spoke to his specialist’s practice manager, who was equally as distressed by our situation as we were. She texted his specialist straight away for his opinion . His reply was that the GP is responsible for doing the assessment and should do it.

Fair enough! We had it in writing, so my husband returned to his GP with a letter from me explaining the above. The GP reluctantly completed a medical certificate with conditions he could only drive a 5km radius from home, and it was only valid until his specialist review in September.

Ok, that means he can’t drive to the GP as it’s too far out of the approved zone. He can’t drive to my hospital or take me to appointments, and he can only just get to the local shops and pharmacy.

We can’t go on local car picnics, and the car definitely can’t be my legs.

We have no problems with conditions but we think at least a 10km radius from home, plus approval to drive to my hospital and my GP in non peak hour, would make the world of difference.

On careful inspection of the medical certificate, the GP hasn’t stated his disease diagnosis, hasn’t completed the mandatory eye test, or other basic medical checks, so the document is pretty useless anyway.

This GP is not our family GP. I’ve been with my GP for 18 years, and he is brilliant. My husband used to see him too, but when we moved five years ago, he wanted to reduce petrol costs, so he decided he’d move to a local GP.

That was our biggest mistake. It’s made life more complicated as I couldn’t easily get into the new doctor’s surgey as it is far from disability friendly. As my husband’s disease has progressed, he’s needed help navigating these appointments, so I’ve been sending a letter with him. This works to some degree but is not ideal long-term.

So, we’ve decided he needs to cut his losses and go back to my GP. I’ll be trying to organise that this week, and I’m hoping and praying he’ll get assessed correctly and be issued with a correct certificate with correct conditions and diagnosis.

We are going to mourn the eventual full loss of his licence, but to just cave in at the moment and let it slip away prematurely is ludicrous. I would never say he’s fit to drive if he wasn’t. I’d be putting my own life in danger, let alone anyone else’s.

Thinking Outside of the Box

Our driving strategy of the car being my legs is going to radically change in the future. There’s no denying that.

I’m going to have to think outside of the box to replace this loss with a new love.

I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again. I just need to stretch my imagination and ponder for a while.

Hopefully, our family GP will give us a little time to transition from full driving, to restricted driving, to no driving, in a way that helps my husband adapt and allows me the gift of a little time to put in place new coping strategies.

I’ll keep you posted on this driving journey.

Take care

Sam xx

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